We had a very successful G-Man Foundation 5K race in April. There is a lot of planning that goes on to help make this event successful. Thank you to our race director, Kathy Marandola, for her hard work and dedication. I would also like to thank all the volunteers, the runners, the walkers, and the sponsors. Together we are working hard to make a difference.
I think after the race is when I hit my low. It was like this autism cloud stopped over me and stayed there for a while. I cursed it many days and asked it to leave, however, it just wouldn't listen. This autism cloud made me question myself. It clogged my vision, and stopped me from writing. It made me want to escape. I really don't think I could put into words how I felt this past month. I hid my tears and sadness. I put a smile on my face and faced each new day. Most days I wanted to cry my eyes out. Cry over a life I thought I was going to have. Cry for my days before autism. Cry for a do over. Cry, cry, cry! Then I would begin to feel guilty. Guilty that I even felt this way.
When May 1st came, I felt a sense of relief. I made it through a difficult month. This is my life now. A life of ups and downs. A life of success and defeat. A life with good months and bad months. I am beginning to learn to accept the bad with the good. The month of April brought many tears. Goodbye April. Hello May! I'm working hard to get out of my autism funk and push myself to move forward on this journey. I'm glad I find the strength to write and share my true feelings. I often find that after I finish a new blog entry many people will say to me, "Wow, I had no idea that was how you were feeling." Sometimes I will even receive an email from another autism parent who will write, "Thanks for putting into words exactly how I have felt."
Lastly, I would like to take a minute to wish all moms a very happy Mother's Day! I send an extra special wish to all the special moms out there. The special moms who have special children, or who have faced the unimaginable and have lost their child. Autism has taught me many things......Mother's Day is not about the gifts. It's not about the fancy restaurants. For me it's about celebrating my children. I took some time out of my day and laughed with them, gave them an extra hug and kiss. I also laced up my running shoes this morning and ran. I ran well over three miles in complete silence. I dedicated my silent run to all the moms out there who will never get to hear their child's voice again. Who will never get to hug or kiss their child again. My life completely changed when I became a mother. Motherhood taught me what unconditional love is. My life completely changed again when I became a mother of a child with autism. Autism taught me to not take life for granted because in a blink of an eye everything can change. I look at things differently now. I appreciate different things. I cry often, and I laugh. I will continue to move forward even when autism makes me take a few steps back. I will continue to try to be the best mom possible to all three of my boys. I will continue to find the positive in autism even when my vision is clouded with the negatives. Most of all, I vow to make a difference.
Looking forward to the autism sunshine,
Paula
