THE BRICK

Well, I had my first "THE BRICK" experience.  This experience consists of being hit by an emotional brick.  You do not see this brick, and it shows up when you least expect it.  It comes out of no where and its cause to fall and hit you is unknown.  I had this experience at William and Landon's school Christmas concert last night.  I was looking forward to seeing my two older boys perform.  They have been very excited about their school concert.  I arranged for my sister, Lisa, to come to the house after work to watch Gavin so that Phil and I could enjoy the concert with no distractions.  Well, that damn brick was a distraction the entire night for me!  There is a 3 year old class at the boys' school.  As soon as the 3 year olds came onto the stage to sing, that is when the brick fell and hit me.  This overwhelming emotional response came over me.  I started crying and couldn't stop.  I just kept thinking, "That should be Gavin's class.  Gavin should be up there right now."  Then I started thinking about how he has been "robbed" of so many life experiences.  Robbed of so many things.  I have been robbed!  I sat and watched all the excited parents around me.  Smiling, taking pictures, waving to their kids.  Calling their kids names.  Their children waving back.  The room was filled with excitement,  I sat there attempting to keep my composure for my other two children.  Well, that brick hit me hard.  The tears wouldn't stop, they couldn't stop.  I contemplated leaving.  I knew I couldn't.  I had to be there for William and Landon.  I sat through the entire performance crying, and attempting to hide my tears as best as I could.  I wanted to stand up, and yell to the people around me, "Count yourself lucky that all your children are healthy.  Count yourself lucky that you have children who function normally!  Count yourself lucky!  Do not take anything for granted.  One day you may hear the words, "your son is autistic!'"  That damn brick would not stop hitting me.  Every time I thought it was gone, it would hit me even harder.  At one point, I looked over at Phil with tears streaming down my face.  I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about Gavin.  He told me he was thinking the same thing.  That he couldn't get it off his mind.  I guess he got hit by "THE BRICK" too.  However, he managed to hide it better then me.  

Well, today I am now suffering from "THE BRICK" hangover.  I am so emotionally drained.  I look like I have been crying for days, and my head is pounding.  Landon just came over and asked my why I was crying.  How can I even begin to make him understand.   What do I say?  I told him I was so proud of him.  That he made me so incredibly proud last night that is why I am crying.  I am crying tears of joy.  He smiled and walked away.  If only he knew the pain in my heart.  If only he knew my daily struggles. If only he knew about "THE BRICK".  I will not let him know.  I will cry my tears of joy for him and his brothers.  I will also cry my tears of being robbed for my Gavin.  Such is the life in an autistic world.

So, I will now attempt to end this blog with something positive.  I may have been robbed, but I have also been given three gifts.  Each gift is unique.  My job as a parent is to unconditionally love, nurture, and be thankful for my three gifts.  Each one of my boys brings such joy to my life.  Our Autism journey is just beginning.  It will be filled with obstacles, tears, frustration, and "THE BRICK".  However, it will also be filled with joy, appreciation of small things, and understanding.  Now may be a good time to start focusing on the G Man Foundation.  This will be my New Year's resolution.  Figuring out how to get this foundation started, and what good it can do.  Lastly, William and Landon did a fabulous job at their school Christmas concert.  

For every locked mind, there is a key to find.  I am working hard to find that key.  I will work every day, every hour, every minute.  My goal is to find that key.  The key may not be found in my lifetime, but I will have a part in finding it.

As always thanks for checking in.  You are all a part of my journey.  Your kind words, words of encouragement and support are what keep me going.  I am hoping that "THE BRICK" keeps its distance.  But for now, I will focus on recovering from my hangover and enjoying my gifts.  

"Behavior hurdles"

I feel like so much has happened since my last blog.  Gavin continues to make great progress in school.  I know I have said it once, but I am going to say it again, we are so grateful for Gavin's teacher, Lynne, as well as all the staff at the Pawtucketville Memorial Elementary School that work with our Gavin.  He continues to open doors in me that I never knew existed.  My knowledge about autism continues to grow.  Gavin has been working on greetings in school.  He now greets everyone he knows by name.  He will say, "Hi, Mama."  I will then respond with, "Hi, Gavin.  How are you?"  Gavin's immediate response is "I'm good!"  Music to my ears.  No matter what kind of day I have had, I will always get the response, "I'm good." from him.  It makes my heart smile.
As much as Gavin is making progress, there are also behaviors that we have to deal with.  I feel like we get over one behavior hurdle, then another one comes.  Gavin's new behavior hurdle is at school.  He has been refusing to eat for his teacher.  He now basically wants Lynne to force feed him.  The great part about being at the same school as him is that I have direct access to Lynne.  She is always available to bounce ideas off of.  Gavin often leaves the cafeteria yelling and crying with his food, to have to go back to the classroom to eat.  After speaking with the Autism Specialist, Christine, she informed me that he is stimming from hearing Lynne's verbal requests. When I think of autism and stimming, the first things that come to mind are hand flapping, body spinning, rocking, lining up or spinning toys. Stimming can also include echolalia, perseveration, and repeating rote phrases. Wow! Learned something new again! Most of the time, stims are coping strategies due to overloads in sensory perception, such as noisy shopping centres, or due to psychological demands such as learning new tasks. Sometimes, autistic children may also stim from lack of sensory input. Christine also informed me that he is targeting Lynne because she is the one who redirects him the most (being his teacher). There are more demands being placed on him at school. So, I was wondering if I should be putting more demands on him at home. Both Christine and Lynne assured me not to worry about home demands. Beginning tomorrow, Lynne's only verbal interaction with him will be when she needs to reinforce him for doing a nice job. All other directives from her will be done using gestures or pictures. Again, I am so grateful for Lynne and Christine. The wealth of their knowledge amazes me and motivates me to learn more. Hopefully these interventions will get us over the behavior hurdle successfully.  Just wondering and waiting for the next one.
We had a wonderful family outing last week.  We went to a college hockey game. Thanks to our friend, Sandy, for the great tickets.  Phil was so nervous about bringing Gavin.  Kept questioning me about the decision.  At first, we decided to take two separate cars.  This way one of us could bring Gavin home, while the other one stayed with William and Landon.  Then I decided to take one car.   If Gavin had to leave, then one of us would go, the other would stay and find a ride home with our two older boys.  We went with a group of people.  So, I figured someone would be available to help in the ride department.  Well, our little guy not only surprised us, he amazed us.   He sat the entire game, taking everything in.  He only got upset a few times.  Once, when the lights went out.  He started yelling, "Lights on! Lights on!"  The other times were when UMass scored.  People all around us were cheering very, very loudly.  His eyes filled with tears, he began cheering loudly.  However, I could see the confusion in his eyes.   He had no idea why people were yelling and screaming.  He had no idea why he was yelling and screaming.  Seeing the look in his eyes made my heart cry.  It also made me realize that something little like cheering at a sporting event comes so easily understood to us.  In an autistic mind, it is boggling.
We had a very low key Thanksgiving. Kept it very quiet and routine for the little guy. Gavin is very routine. Taking him out of his routine often backfires. All our Christmas decorations are up. I was wondering how this was going to affect him. His trampoline had to go down in the basement to make way for the Christmas tree. So far, so good. He does like to touch the ornaments, feel them, and read them if they have words. He is obsessed with trying to read everything and anything he sees. If you tell him what something says, he will go back to the item and read it over and over again. He has also been scripting a lot more lately. Scripting is reciting lines from movies, commercials, books, etc. Some experts predict it is a coping mechanism that is used during high stress periods, hence, a form of stimming. Others believe it is just an attempt to communicate in some form and this is the form they know. Gavin repeats something he heard and imprinted into memory. He has a favorite app on the itouch that he likes to use. He will often repeat over and over again, "What do you do after you use the wash room? Yeah, you wash your hands after you use the washroom." What goes together, Yeah, Bicycle and helmet go together." He will say these things repeatedly. He often wants me to repeat what he is saying. Now, I am guessing that he is stimming from this verbal input.
My good friend, Beth, recently asked me if Gavin is doing things that my other two boys did at his age.  My response is that I honestly can't remember what a 'typical' three year old does.   I guess if he was a 'typical' three year old he would be excited about Santa bringing presents.  He would be playing with his toy cars, he would be attending a 'typical'  pre-school, he would tell me who his friends are.  He would tell me how his day was, he would want to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a special present.  This is my 'typical normal' world for me. It is a challenging world. A world where there are so many unknowns. A world filled with tears of joy and tears of frustration. A world where I question everyday if I am doing the right thing. A world filled with behavior hurdles. A world filled with teaching my son NOT to stim and script.  But, it is my world. A world of acceptance and love.
Happy holidays everyone and thanks for taking the time to check in.