THE BRICK

Well, I had my first "THE BRICK" experience.  This experience consists of being hit by an emotional brick.  You do not see this brick, and it shows up when you least expect it.  It comes out of no where and its cause to fall and hit you is unknown.  I had this experience at William and Landon's school Christmas concert last night.  I was looking forward to seeing my two older boys perform.  They have been very excited about their school concert.  I arranged for my sister, Lisa, to come to the house after work to watch Gavin so that Phil and I could enjoy the concert with no distractions.  Well, that damn brick was a distraction the entire night for me!  There is a 3 year old class at the boys' school.  As soon as the 3 year olds came onto the stage to sing, that is when the brick fell and hit me.  This overwhelming emotional response came over me.  I started crying and couldn't stop.  I just kept thinking, "That should be Gavin's class.  Gavin should be up there right now."  Then I started thinking about how he has been "robbed" of so many life experiences.  Robbed of so many things.  I have been robbed!  I sat and watched all the excited parents around me.  Smiling, taking pictures, waving to their kids.  Calling their kids names.  Their children waving back.  The room was filled with excitement,  I sat there attempting to keep my composure for my other two children.  Well, that brick hit me hard.  The tears wouldn't stop, they couldn't stop.  I contemplated leaving.  I knew I couldn't.  I had to be there for William and Landon.  I sat through the entire performance crying, and attempting to hide my tears as best as I could.  I wanted to stand up, and yell to the people around me, "Count yourself lucky that all your children are healthy.  Count yourself lucky that you have children who function normally!  Count yourself lucky!  Do not take anything for granted.  One day you may hear the words, "your son is autistic!'"  That damn brick would not stop hitting me.  Every time I thought it was gone, it would hit me even harder.  At one point, I looked over at Phil with tears streaming down my face.  I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about Gavin.  He told me he was thinking the same thing.  That he couldn't get it off his mind.  I guess he got hit by "THE BRICK" too.  However, he managed to hide it better then me.  

Well, today I am now suffering from "THE BRICK" hangover.  I am so emotionally drained.  I look like I have been crying for days, and my head is pounding.  Landon just came over and asked my why I was crying.  How can I even begin to make him understand.   What do I say?  I told him I was so proud of him.  That he made me so incredibly proud last night that is why I am crying.  I am crying tears of joy.  He smiled and walked away.  If only he knew the pain in my heart.  If only he knew my daily struggles. If only he knew about "THE BRICK".  I will not let him know.  I will cry my tears of joy for him and his brothers.  I will also cry my tears of being robbed for my Gavin.  Such is the life in an autistic world.

So, I will now attempt to end this blog with something positive.  I may have been robbed, but I have also been given three gifts.  Each gift is unique.  My job as a parent is to unconditionally love, nurture, and be thankful for my three gifts.  Each one of my boys brings such joy to my life.  Our Autism journey is just beginning.  It will be filled with obstacles, tears, frustration, and "THE BRICK".  However, it will also be filled with joy, appreciation of small things, and understanding.  Now may be a good time to start focusing on the G Man Foundation.  This will be my New Year's resolution.  Figuring out how to get this foundation started, and what good it can do.  Lastly, William and Landon did a fabulous job at their school Christmas concert.  

For every locked mind, there is a key to find.  I am working hard to find that key.  I will work every day, every hour, every minute.  My goal is to find that key.  The key may not be found in my lifetime, but I will have a part in finding it.

As always thanks for checking in.  You are all a part of my journey.  Your kind words, words of encouragement and support are what keep me going.  I am hoping that "THE BRICK" keeps its distance.  But for now, I will focus on recovering from my hangover and enjoying my gifts.