Roadblock

     Overall, it has been a great month.  However, today I hit a roadblock on this autism journey.  I figured if maybe I channel my energy into writing, then I may be able to slowly move up and over the roadblock.
     So, here I go......FUAutism!  FU for everything you are and everything you stand for.  I despise you today.  I despise the communication challenges that you give my son.  I despise the social/emotional challenges you give my son.  I despise your misunderstanding of language.  I despise your flapping, your scripting, your repetitive behaviors, your jumping, and your constant demand from sensory input.  FU Autism!
     I didn't  tag a family member today to watch Gavin.  I attempted to strip the boys' beds and remake them.  I figured I could watch Gavin, give everyone a break, and accomplish something.  In the process, Gavin climbed up onto the window sill and fell.  His screaming and pain were unbearable.  I despise that he couldn't tell me what hurt.  I despise that he was shaking and screaming uncontrollably.  I despise that everyone in the family started yelling at each other and blaming each other for not watching Gavin.  FU Autism!
     I despise the fact that I awoke with another panic attack last night.  I despise that I cried myself to sleep thinking of my Gavin never being invited to a friend's birthday party.  I despise the constant visuals and the structured routine.   I despise always having to give my son a warning for a transition to avoid a long and unbearable meltdown.  FU Autism!
     At mass today, I looked over at my oldest son, William, and wondered when was the last time I had some one on one quality time with him.  I despise that you consume so much of my time.  I despise that your needs have to be met first before all others.  FU Autism!
     I despise that I have to over plan all family functions.  Landon's First Communion is approaching, I despise that any change in routine is so incredibly difficult for you.  That instead of enjoying and being able to relax on Landon's special day, I will be wondering if your needs are being met.  If you can handle the change in routine.   I despise how difficult school vacations can be.  I despise your constant need for routine.  I despise strangers staring.    FU Autism!
     Driving to Walmart today, Landon's booster seat was moved.  I despise the fact that Gavin screamed the entire drive to Walmart because he couldn't make sense of this.  I despise that I had to continuously reinforce him that it was going to be ok.  I despise that the first thing Gavin did when we got to Walmart was move the booster seat to where it had to be for him to make sense of it.  FU Autsim!
     I despise at how tired you make me.  I despise the fact that I can't remember the last time I slept through the night.  I despise the fact that you never rest.  FU Autism!
     I despise that I still grieve.  I despise that sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder.  Wonder what the future with autism holds.  Wonder if Gavin will hit a plateau and stop making progress.  I despise the doubts you give me.  The continuous questioning if I am doing the right thing.  FU Autism!
     I am far from being a hero, I am far from being inspirational.  I am a mother who is trying to unlock her baby's mind!  I despise not having that key.  FU Autism!
     I despise roadblocks and behavior hurdles.  I despise that I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry until no tears are left.  I despise that William and Landon sometimes see my grief through tears.  FU Autism!
     That damn Brick hit me today.  It caused a Roadblock.  I am sure once I finish typing this I will have myself a long overdue cry and not look back.  I will slowly rise, lift my head high, pick up my cross, and crawl over the Roadblock hand in hand with Autism.

Still searching for that key,

Paula