Pictures of You, Pictures of Me

Dear Autism,

    I'm not sure where to even begin, or even what to say to you this year.  I guess some years will be like this.  I guess I will begin by saying, "Happy Autism Awareness Day!"  Today is your day.  The day once a year when we place blue lights in our windows.  We hang our autism wreath on our front door, and shine a blue floodlight on it.  Today is the day that we shine a light on you.
  
      Lately I find myself looking at Gavin's baby pictures.  I find myself staring at his eyes.  Looking for signs of you, Autism.  Wondering and asking were you there then?  Did I just not see you?  When did you first appear?  I often think of the song, Pictures of you.  Pictures of you, pictures of me, hung upon your wall for the world to see.  Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we used to be.  I guess you could say we used to be a family without autism.  And now?  Well, I guess it depends on the day of the week, the moment in time.  We have our good days, and our bad days.  We have our days where because of you we have to divide and conquer.  Days where we do things separately instead of as a family.  Days that we are victorious, days that we are defeated.  Days that we laugh and smile because of you.  Days that we curse and despise you.  Some days we would like to trade you in, most days we learn a lot from you.

     Before I went to sleep last night I sat and watched you.  I watched you breathing, I watched you dreaming.  I wondered what you were thinking.  I wondered how you were feeling.  Autism, you looked so beautiful, so innocent.  I hugged and kissed you, and made a promise to you.  I promised to keep fighting for you, I promised to keep spreading awareness.  I promised to support you and no matter what welcome you, even on my bad days.  I promised to shed more tears of joy, then tears of sorrow.  I promised to continue to love you unconditionally.

     Today is your day, Autism.  Today we will spend some time as a family and reflect on what we love about you!  We will share our special memories we have of you.  We will talk about our future with you.  We will shine a light on you!  Pictures of you, pictures of me hung upon your wall for the world to see.  Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we could have been, what we could have been.................Happy Autism Awareness Day!

All my love,
Paula