Friends till the end.......

     I can't believe July is almost done.  Summer is going by way too quickly.  Summer is all about vacation from school!  However, in an autistic world, vacation from school can mean disaster.  Disaster because they are out of their routine.  Gavin has had more meltdowns lately.  He finished school, had a couple of weeks off, then started summer school, had summer school for a few days, hand an extra long weekend to celebrate the fourth of July, then went back to summer school.  I feel like we are finally in the summer school groove, and guess what?  Summer school ends next week.  Ugh!  Preparing for more meltdowns. Gavin is extremely routine.  A lot of work goes into preparing him for change.  We have a large calendar hanging on the refrigerator.  The calendar is marked with any change.  We have written down the days he attends summer school, the days he stays home, as well as parties, functions, or places we may be going.  Gavin can read.  So, we usually tell him to check the calendar.  He likes to check the calendar, however, hates when there is a change. He will repeatedly say, "No, no, no!"  It took him until this week to accept the change of summer school.  Every morning he would say, "No summer school.  PJ's, PJ's, PJ's!"  I had to ask his brothers to either stay in bed until he leaves or hide upstairs to avoid morning meltdowns.  Gavin would see his brothers being able to stay home and stay in their pajamas.  So, why can't he?  His mind can't figure this out.      
     Lately, Gavin has been obsessed with blinds, shades, doors (especially sliding doors).  I am guessing it is the repetitive nature of these items.  Up, down, up down. Open, close, open, close.  I have to hide the cords on the roman shades.  He has ripped and broken several bedroom shades.  He will often pull the shade all the way down so that you have to take the entire shade down and roll it up again and again.  So, I am left guessing.  Is he looking for some sensory input? Or does he just like the repetitive movement of these objects?  Gavin has also been obsessed with doorbells.  He LOVES to ring doorbells.  He will open our front door, step out onto the steps, ring the doorbell, wait for our dog to bark, laugh, flap, jump up and down, step back inside, say, "OK, thank you, goodbye."  Then begin the entire cycle over again.  He knows how to unlock all the locks.  It can be funny the first two times, however, after the tenth time you have just about had it and are searching for ways to break the doorbell cycle.  Gavin has also been obsessed with locking all the bathroom doors.  He will open the door, lock it, and then shut it.  He doesn't lock himself in the bathroom.  Just locks the door.  Again, not funny when you have to use the bathroom only to find yourself locked out of it and left searching for a key to open it.  Gavin also continues to script.  He scripts and scripts and scripts.  He will script anything from a line he heard watching television, to a conversation he overheard.  He will often go to the bottom of the stairs and yell, "Paula, Paula, Paula!"  I will respond, "what?" after each time I hear my name.  However, he will not respond.  He will just say my name three times and then move on to something else.  I realized that he is scripting Phil.  Phil will usually have to call me three times before I respond.  He thinks I am ignoring him.  I keep telling him that I don't hear him (ha).
     Last week, William had football camp and Landon had basketball.  Phil and I had to divide and conquer. Well, at least hope to conquer.  Phil took William to football, while I took Landon to basketball with Gavin.  Well, it was a complete disaster.  Gavin could not sit and watch the game.  He was all over the place.  Running away from me, attempting to run onto the basketball court.  Stimming on the chain link fence, stimming from the ref's whistle, stimming from the basketball bouncing.  He would run over to people and grab their things or attempt to sit in their chair.  I was exhausted, and so torn.  My heart was torn.  Here, Gavin needed my help to self-regulate, but Landon needed his mom to watch him perform on the court.  It's a task I don't wish upon anyone.
     I was determined to praise Landon on the drive home.  I told him what a great job he did.  I attempted to remember anything he did during the game so that I could comment about it.  All the while praying that I was getting it right.  I honestly feel like I didn't see him play.  Just another struggle on this autistic journey.  While driving home from basketball Landon said he wished there was an autism shot.  I asked him what he meant.  He responded that he wished there was a shot so that kids won't get autism.  My tears started rolling.  He then said that it is getting harder with Gavin as he gets older (this kid was reading my mind).  The tears continued to roll.  Then, Landon said he hopes Gavin dies when he does.  I asked him why.  Why would he say that?  He responded that there will be no one left to take care of Gavin.  Then he told me that he will hire staff to take care of him.  I cried the entire way home!  I had to breathe through my tears.  Why should my 8 year old son have to worry about this?  Just another autism struggle.  The next day Landon said to me, "It is your fault about the autism!"  I asked him what he meant.  He said that I made him in my belly.  So, I made the autism.  This is when my faith kicked in.  I told him that God sent the autism to us as a gift. Landon then went on to say that no woman will love him.  I said, "What?"  He said you know, like a woman loves a man. No woman will love a man with autism.  I couldn't respond.  I just looked away and told myself not to cry.
     I have thought of this saying lately, "Make new friends, keep the old.  One is silver, the other is gold."  I find that I am losing some friends along this journey.  It is sometimes difficult to find time to respond to emails, texts, or phone calls.  Most of my free time is spent juggling life.  However, juggling a life that includes autism.  I envy the moms that can attend spontaneous play dates, that can attend basketball games, that can spontaneously go to the beach, that can attend parties or functions.  Doing these things do not come easy in an autistic world.  There is so much preparation and work that go into something as simple as a play date, a trip to the beach, a party.  Even if I do attend things, a great deal of my energy is spent making sure Gavin is successful.  So, to my friends that have not heard from me in a while I should say that I am sorry.  Sorry for not replying to your emails.  Sorry for not responding to your texts.  Sorry for not responding to your phone calls.  Sorry, that I am focused on raising an autistic son.  As I am losing friends, I am also gaining friends.  Friends who don't need a response.  Friends who attempt to understand.  Friends who encourage me, cry with me, and support me.  "Make new friends, keep the old.  One is silver, the other is gold."

In Friendship,
Paula