Changing the World

      Five years ago today, I received my third gift.   At 10:27 p.m., Gavin graced the world with his presence.  I think back to the day that I found out that I was pregnant.  Somedays it feels like yesterday.  The pregnancy came as a shocking surprise to me.  Phil and I were done having children (so we thought).  Our youngest at the time was 3 1/2 and life was finally getting a bit easier.  No more diapers, diaper bags, and sleep deprivation.
     I cried for three days when I found out I was pregnant.  Not because I didn't want another child.  I wanted this child as much as my other two.  I just wasn't expecting it.  My second pregnancy was extremely difficult and consisted of 10 weeks of bed rest.  I was now 38 and considered a high risk pregnancy.  Phil and I had moved on from our baby phase.  Which meant we got rid of everything.  So, we had to start over with our third.  The first way we did this was by finding out the gender of our child.  Was I disappointed when I found out I was having my third son?  Not in the least.   Ok, well, maybe a little. Would I trade him in for a girl?  Hell, no. I can't imagine my life without any of my boys.  We agreed to not have amniocentesis.  So what if my son had down syndrome?  Would it matter?  No, it wouldn't.  Would I love him any less?  No, I wouldn't.  Little did I know then that he would bring autism into our world.  The next thing we did was choose a name.  The only name we could agree upon was Marshall.  So, Marshall Richard was going to be the name of our third son (so I thought).
     June 29, 2008 at 3:00 a.m., my water broke while we were camping.  I told the little guy to wait until we at least made it home.  I was calm and relaxed.  I finally decided to head to the hospital around noon.  The doctor and nurses told me to expect him to be born within a few hours.  My little guy had his own plan.  He was going to make all of us wait, and that he did!  I remember seeing his beautiful face for the first time.  I looked into his eyes and told him that we needed to have a long talk.  I then remember the doctor asking us what his name was.  Phil replied, "Gavin."  I quickly looked at Phil in shock.  "Gavin, where did that come from? Well, I guess his name is Gavin."

  
      My goal was to keep today as low key as possible.  Gavin started at a new school this week with new staff.  Which by the way, he did a fabulous job handling this transition.  Thank you, Fay and Lisa, for already loving my boy.  Gavin enjoyed a morning visit from his Godmother who came bearing his favorite donut and presents.  We then celebrated as a family at his favorite restaurant.  We topped it off with delicious bakery cupcakes.  When it came time to sing and blow out his candle, he had a complete meltdown, which included screaming and biting himself.
     I reminisced with the boys during lunch.  We talked about what they loved to do and play with when they were five.  William and Landon loved Power Rangers, Batman, Ben Ten, legos, and transformers.  William and Landon loved blowing out candles and having happy birthday sung to them.   Gavin loves things that most two - three year olds love; Blues Clues, Teletubbies, and the Wiggles.  He has meltdowns over candles and the birthday song.
     I realized with my third pregnancy that the good Lord had different plans for me.  He planned three children for me and not two.  I realize now that not only did he have different plans for me, he had a different life journey for me.  A journey which includes autism.  Would I want things to be different?  Well, it depends.  Would that mean taking away Gavin's autism?  Hell, yes.  But wait, taking away Gavin's autism would make him an entirely different person.  Hell, no.  No matter how difficult things can be, I wouldn't change him.  I wouldn't be who I am today without my three boys.  I wouldn't be who I am today without autism.  Thank you, my sweet boy, Gavin.  You have taught me more then once what the true meaning of life is.  It's about unconditional love, acceptance, patience, kindness, and doing for others.  Happy birthday, Gavin.  You graced the world with your presence on June 29, 2008.  The world is listening,  you are helping to make a difference, you are changing the world.

All my love,
Mom    

My Vow to Autism on our Anniversary

Dear Autism,

Today is June 18th.  A date that changed my life forever.  A date that I will always remember.  Three years ago today, Phil and I sat in front of a team of doctors.  We heard three words that forever changed us, "Gavin has autism."  The words came eleven days before my baby turned 2.  Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.

You brought countless hours of intensive early intervention.  You locked my son's mind from making eye contact, communicating, playing with toys, following directions, and talking.  You exhausted him and me.  Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.

       

You brought questions with no answers, you brought flapping, jumping, bouncing, and visual stimming.  You brought tears and heartache.  You brought words, "Why? How? What?"  Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.

You brought an IEP, specialized teachers, staff, and therapists.  You brought social stories.  You brought a specialized program to meet my son's autistic needs. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.

Autism, today was a special day.  It was our AD (autism diagnosis) anniversary and it was our boy's graduation day from Pre-K.  Today, I embraced you and held your hand.  I held my tears and held my head high.  Today, I thank you.  I thank you for helping me learn through my boy's eyes.  I thank you for making me strive to be a better mom, a better teacher, a better person.  Three years ago today you
turned my world upside down.

Autism, today you turned my world right side up.  You have brought countless special people into our lives.  You have brought the G-Man Foundation.  You have brought a Pre-K celebration.

  

Autism, today I made a vow.  However, you probably already knew that.  Today I thought of the future.  Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.  Today you turned my world right side up.  I vow to make this world more understanding of you.  I vow to make this world more aware of you.  I vow to make this world more accepting of you.  I vow to make this world embrace you.

Autism, happy three year anniversary.  I love you, Gavin!

Love always,

Mom

Even the Biggest Losers Sometimes Win.

     At the beginning of March, I embarked on a new journey.  A journey of weight loss.  I received an email about a weight loss challenge that was being offered to the staff at my school, the Biggest Loser.  The first weigh in being March 1st and the last being May 31st.  The amount of weight you lost each week would be calculated into a percentage.  The person with the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of the competition would win money.  It was a $25 pay in, and you had to pay $2 at the weekly weigh in if you gained during the week.   I remember thinking, "hmmm, I can't seem to shed this baby weight. Instead of losing it, I keep gaining it.  I haven't weighed myself in months.  Now that I think of it, I haven't weighed myself since the autism diagnosis.  I barely squeezed into my clothes each morning, always thinking that my clothes were so old that they had to be shrinking.  I decided that the challenge was just what I needed to reclaim myself physically.  I paid my $25 pay in, walked into the nurse's office on March 1st and stepped onto the scale.  I said to myself, "Holy crap!  Her scale is completely wrong.  I can't possibly weigh that much!"  We were all given a number instead of a name.  This way our results would be kept confidential.  Nurse Jill then told me that I was lucky number 13.  Lucky number 13?  How could that be?!  I was the heaviest I was in my life besides the times that I was pregnant.  I hated the number 13!  I went home that night after my first weigh in.  I sat for a while and cried.  I cried about the old me, I cried thinking about the task that lied in front of me.  Not only did my son's autism diagnosis bring me heartache, it also brought me weight gain.  I spent the past two years juggling all of his early intensive intervention, working full time, as well as attempting to meet William and Landon's needs.  I thought once Gavin went to school full time that it would be easier to budget my time, however, it became more difficult.  It's been hectic attempting to juggle William's and Landon's sports schedules, as well as help them with school projects, studying, and homework.  Never mind the school work that I was bringing home each night.
     So, it began......the journey of weight loss.  I awoke the next day after my first weigh in and re-evaluated my life.  I realized that I was putting myself last.  I spent all of my time taking care of everyone else, that there was no time at the end of the day for me.  I realized then that my lifestyle needed to change.  I needed to reclaim ME!
     The next three months consisted of  calorie counting, very limited alcohol consumption, and lots of exercise.  My alarm went off most mornings for my 4:30 am exercise wake up call.  Most evenings I would lace up my sneakers and go for a long run.  It was the first time that I put myself first for one hour per day.  Each week, I stepped on the scale and watched the number go down.
     On May 31st, Lucky Number 13 was awarded the title of The Biggest Loser.  I am now $468 richer and 20 lbs thinner.  Thank you to each one of my colleagues who participated in the contest.  You helped me, inspired me, encouraged me, and taught me how to reclaim myself!
     Next week is Gavin's ADA (Autism Diagnosis Anniversary).  It is the day that our lives changed forever.  Gavin will be graduating from his Pre-K CSA program 3 years from the exact date that we were given the diagnosis.  This week William was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society.  While I was beaming with pride during the ceremony, I also had what I called my autism demons pay me a visit.  These demons make me feel sad for what Gavin will not have!  They take away from me living in the moment and enjoying what my other two boys do have.  I am working hard to rid these demons from my life, and to learn how to live in the present moment for each one of my children's victories.  I'm learning to take life one minute at a time, focus on the present road, and look for the humor in each situation.  More importantly, I'm learning to find time for myself and live a healthy, happy life.

Lucky Number 13 (a.k.a. The Biggest Loser),
Paula