My blog has moved. If you are interested in following our autism journey, please check out Autism Diaries: For Every Locked Mind There is a Key to Find at www.lowellsun.com
You will find my blog under the blog lifestyle link. Thank you for following our autism journey.
Fondly,
Paula
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Changing the World
Five years ago today, I received my third gift. At 10:27 p.m., Gavin graced the world with his presence. I think back to the day that I found out that I was pregnant. Somedays it feels like yesterday. The pregnancy came as a shocking surprise to me. Phil and I were done having children (so we thought). Our youngest at the time was 3 1/2 and life was finally getting a bit easier. No more diapers, diaper bags, and sleep deprivation.
I cried for three days when I found out I was pregnant. Not because I didn't want another child. I wanted this child as much as my other two. I just wasn't expecting it. My second pregnancy was extremely difficult and consisted of 10 weeks of bed rest. I was now 38 and considered a high risk pregnancy. Phil and I had moved on from our baby phase. Which meant we got rid of everything. So, we had to start over with our third. The first way we did this was by finding out the gender of our child. Was I disappointed when I found out I was having my third son? Not in the least. Ok, well, maybe a little. Would I trade him in for a girl? Hell, no. I can't imagine my life without any of my boys. We agreed to not have amniocentesis. So what if my son had down syndrome? Would it matter? No, it wouldn't. Would I love him any less? No, I wouldn't. Little did I know then that he would bring autism into our world. The next thing we did was choose a name. The only name we could agree upon was Marshall. So, Marshall Richard was going to be the name of our third son (so I thought).
June 29, 2008 at 3:00 a.m., my water broke while we were camping. I told the little guy to wait until we at least made it home. I was calm and relaxed. I finally decided to head to the hospital around noon. The doctor and nurses told me to expect him to be born within a few hours. My little guy had his own plan. He was going to make all of us wait, and that he did! I remember seeing his beautiful face for the first time. I looked into his eyes and told him that we needed to have a long talk. I then remember the doctor asking us what his name was. Phil replied, "Gavin." I quickly looked at Phil in shock. "Gavin, where did that come from? Well, I guess his name is Gavin."
My goal was to keep today as low key as possible. Gavin started at a new school this week with new staff. Which by the way, he did a fabulous job handling this transition. Thank you, Fay and Lisa, for already loving my boy. Gavin enjoyed a morning visit from his Godmother who came bearing his favorite donut and presents. We then celebrated as a family at his favorite restaurant. We topped it off with delicious bakery cupcakes. When it came time to sing and blow out his candle, he had a complete meltdown, which included screaming and biting himself.
I reminisced with the boys during lunch. We talked about what they loved to do and play with when they were five. William and Landon loved Power Rangers, Batman, Ben Ten, legos, and transformers. William and Landon loved blowing out candles and having happy birthday sung to them. Gavin loves things that most two - three year olds love; Blues Clues, Teletubbies, and the Wiggles. He has meltdowns over candles and the birthday song.
I realized with my third pregnancy that the good Lord had different plans for me. He planned three children for me and not two. I realize now that not only did he have different plans for me, he had a different life journey for me. A journey which includes autism. Would I want things to be different? Well, it depends. Would that mean taking away Gavin's autism? Hell, yes. But wait, taking away Gavin's autism would make him an entirely different person. Hell, no. No matter how difficult things can be, I wouldn't change him. I wouldn't be who I am today without my three boys. I wouldn't be who I am today without autism. Thank you, my sweet boy, Gavin. You have taught me more then once what the true meaning of life is. It's about unconditional love, acceptance, patience, kindness, and doing for others. Happy birthday, Gavin. You graced the world with your presence on June 29, 2008. The world is listening, you are helping to make a difference, you are changing the world.
All my love,
Mom
I cried for three days when I found out I was pregnant. Not because I didn't want another child. I wanted this child as much as my other two. I just wasn't expecting it. My second pregnancy was extremely difficult and consisted of 10 weeks of bed rest. I was now 38 and considered a high risk pregnancy. Phil and I had moved on from our baby phase. Which meant we got rid of everything. So, we had to start over with our third. The first way we did this was by finding out the gender of our child. Was I disappointed when I found out I was having my third son? Not in the least. Ok, well, maybe a little. Would I trade him in for a girl? Hell, no. I can't imagine my life without any of my boys. We agreed to not have amniocentesis. So what if my son had down syndrome? Would it matter? No, it wouldn't. Would I love him any less? No, I wouldn't. Little did I know then that he would bring autism into our world. The next thing we did was choose a name. The only name we could agree upon was Marshall. So, Marshall Richard was going to be the name of our third son (so I thought).
June 29, 2008 at 3:00 a.m., my water broke while we were camping. I told the little guy to wait until we at least made it home. I was calm and relaxed. I finally decided to head to the hospital around noon. The doctor and nurses told me to expect him to be born within a few hours. My little guy had his own plan. He was going to make all of us wait, and that he did! I remember seeing his beautiful face for the first time. I looked into his eyes and told him that we needed to have a long talk. I then remember the doctor asking us what his name was. Phil replied, "Gavin." I quickly looked at Phil in shock. "Gavin, where did that come from? Well, I guess his name is Gavin."
My goal was to keep today as low key as possible. Gavin started at a new school this week with new staff. Which by the way, he did a fabulous job handling this transition. Thank you, Fay and Lisa, for already loving my boy. Gavin enjoyed a morning visit from his Godmother who came bearing his favorite donut and presents. We then celebrated as a family at his favorite restaurant. We topped it off with delicious bakery cupcakes. When it came time to sing and blow out his candle, he had a complete meltdown, which included screaming and biting himself.
I reminisced with the boys during lunch. We talked about what they loved to do and play with when they were five. William and Landon loved Power Rangers, Batman, Ben Ten, legos, and transformers. William and Landon loved blowing out candles and having happy birthday sung to them. Gavin loves things that most two - three year olds love; Blues Clues, Teletubbies, and the Wiggles. He has meltdowns over candles and the birthday song.
I realized with my third pregnancy that the good Lord had different plans for me. He planned three children for me and not two. I realize now that not only did he have different plans for me, he had a different life journey for me. A journey which includes autism. Would I want things to be different? Well, it depends. Would that mean taking away Gavin's autism? Hell, yes. But wait, taking away Gavin's autism would make him an entirely different person. Hell, no. No matter how difficult things can be, I wouldn't change him. I wouldn't be who I am today without my three boys. I wouldn't be who I am today without autism. Thank you, my sweet boy, Gavin. You have taught me more then once what the true meaning of life is. It's about unconditional love, acceptance, patience, kindness, and doing for others. Happy birthday, Gavin. You graced the world with your presence on June 29, 2008. The world is listening, you are helping to make a difference, you are changing the world.
All my love,
Mom
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
My Vow to Autism on our Anniversary
Dear Autism,
Today is June 18th. A date that changed my life forever. A date that I will always remember. Three years ago today, Phil and I sat in front of a team of doctors. We heard three words that forever changed us, "Gavin has autism." The words came eleven days before my baby turned 2. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
You brought questions with no answers, you brought flapping, jumping, bouncing, and visual stimming. You brought tears and heartache. You brought words, "Why? How? What?" Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
You brought an IEP, specialized teachers, staff, and therapists. You brought social stories. You brought a specialized program to meet my son's autistic needs. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
Autism, today was a special day. It was our AD (autism diagnosis) anniversary and it was our boy's graduation day from Pre-K. Today, I embraced you and held your hand. I held my tears and held my head high. Today, I thank you. I thank you for helping me learn through my boy's eyes. I thank you for making me strive to be a better mom, a better teacher, a better person. Three years ago today you
turned my world upside down.
Autism, today you turned my world right side up. You have brought countless special people into our lives. You have brought the G-Man Foundation. You have brought a Pre-K celebration.
Autism, today I made a vow. However, you probably already knew that. Today I thought of the future. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down. Today you turned my world right side up. I vow to make this world more understanding of you. I vow to make this world more aware of you. I vow to make this world more accepting of you. I vow to make this world embrace you.
Today is June 18th. A date that changed my life forever. A date that I will always remember. Three years ago today, Phil and I sat in front of a team of doctors. We heard three words that forever changed us, "Gavin has autism." The words came eleven days before my baby turned 2. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
You brought countless hours of intensive early intervention. You locked my son's mind from making eye contact, communicating, playing with toys, following directions, and talking. You exhausted him and me. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
You brought questions with no answers, you brought flapping, jumping, bouncing, and visual stimming. You brought tears and heartache. You brought words, "Why? How? What?" Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
You brought an IEP, specialized teachers, staff, and therapists. You brought social stories. You brought a specialized program to meet my son's autistic needs. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down.
Autism, today was a special day. It was our AD (autism diagnosis) anniversary and it was our boy's graduation day from Pre-K. Today, I embraced you and held your hand. I held my tears and held my head high. Today, I thank you. I thank you for helping me learn through my boy's eyes. I thank you for making me strive to be a better mom, a better teacher, a better person. Three years ago today you
turned my world upside down.
Autism, today you turned my world right side up. You have brought countless special people into our lives. You have brought the G-Man Foundation. You have brought a Pre-K celebration.
Autism, today I made a vow. However, you probably already knew that. Today I thought of the future. Three years ago today you turned my world upside down. Today you turned my world right side up. I vow to make this world more understanding of you. I vow to make this world more aware of you. I vow to make this world more accepting of you. I vow to make this world embrace you.
Autism, happy three year anniversary. I love you, Gavin!
Love always,
Mom
Friday, June 14, 2013
Even the Biggest Losers Sometimes Win.
At the beginning of March, I embarked on a new journey. A journey of weight loss. I received an email about a weight loss challenge that was being offered to the staff at my school, the Biggest Loser. The first weigh in being March 1st and the last being May 31st. The amount of weight you lost each week would be calculated into a percentage. The person with the highest percentage of weight loss at the end of the competition would win money. It was a $25 pay in, and you had to pay $2 at the weekly weigh in if you gained during the week. I remember thinking, "hmmm, I can't seem to shed this baby weight. Instead of losing it, I keep gaining it. I haven't weighed myself in months. Now that I think of it, I haven't weighed myself since the autism diagnosis. I barely squeezed into my clothes each morning, always thinking that my clothes were so old that they had to be shrinking. I decided that the challenge was just what I needed to reclaim myself physically. I paid my $25 pay in, walked into the nurse's office on March 1st and stepped onto the scale. I said to myself, "Holy crap! Her scale is completely wrong. I can't possibly weigh that much!" We were all given a number instead of a name. This way our results would be kept confidential. Nurse Jill then told me that I was lucky number 13. Lucky number 13? How could that be?! I was the heaviest I was in my life besides the times that I was pregnant. I hated the number 13! I went home that night after my first weigh in. I sat for a while and cried. I cried about the old me, I cried thinking about the task that lied in front of me. Not only did my son's autism diagnosis bring me heartache, it also brought me weight gain. I spent the past two years juggling all of his early intensive intervention, working full time, as well as attempting to meet William and Landon's needs. I thought once Gavin went to school full time that it would be easier to budget my time, however, it became more difficult. It's been hectic attempting to juggle William's and Landon's sports schedules, as well as help them with school projects, studying, and homework. Never mind the school work that I was bringing home each night.
So, it began......the journey of weight loss. I awoke the next day after my first weigh in and re-evaluated my life. I realized that I was putting myself last. I spent all of my time taking care of everyone else, that there was no time at the end of the day for me. I realized then that my lifestyle needed to change. I needed to reclaim ME!
The next three months consisted of calorie counting, very limited alcohol consumption, and lots of exercise. My alarm went off most mornings for my 4:30 am exercise wake up call. Most evenings I would lace up my sneakers and go for a long run. It was the first time that I put myself first for one hour per day. Each week, I stepped on the scale and watched the number go down.
On May 31st, Lucky Number 13 was awarded the title of The Biggest Loser. I am now $468 richer and 20 lbs thinner. Thank you to each one of my colleagues who participated in the contest. You helped me, inspired me, encouraged me, and taught me how to reclaim myself!
Next week is Gavin's ADA (Autism Diagnosis Anniversary). It is the day that our lives changed forever. Gavin will be graduating from his Pre-K CSA program 3 years from the exact date that we were given the diagnosis. This week William was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. While I was beaming with pride during the ceremony, I also had what I called my autism demons pay me a visit. These demons make me feel sad for what Gavin will not have! They take away from me living in the moment and enjoying what my other two boys do have. I am working hard to rid these demons from my life, and to learn how to live in the present moment for each one of my children's victories. I'm learning to take life one minute at a time, focus on the present road, and look for the humor in each situation. More importantly, I'm learning to find time for myself and live a healthy, happy life.
Lucky Number 13 (a.k.a. The Biggest Loser),
Paula
So, it began......the journey of weight loss. I awoke the next day after my first weigh in and re-evaluated my life. I realized that I was putting myself last. I spent all of my time taking care of everyone else, that there was no time at the end of the day for me. I realized then that my lifestyle needed to change. I needed to reclaim ME!
The next three months consisted of calorie counting, very limited alcohol consumption, and lots of exercise. My alarm went off most mornings for my 4:30 am exercise wake up call. Most evenings I would lace up my sneakers and go for a long run. It was the first time that I put myself first for one hour per day. Each week, I stepped on the scale and watched the number go down.
On May 31st, Lucky Number 13 was awarded the title of The Biggest Loser. I am now $468 richer and 20 lbs thinner. Thank you to each one of my colleagues who participated in the contest. You helped me, inspired me, encouraged me, and taught me how to reclaim myself!
Next week is Gavin's ADA (Autism Diagnosis Anniversary). It is the day that our lives changed forever. Gavin will be graduating from his Pre-K CSA program 3 years from the exact date that we were given the diagnosis. This week William was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. While I was beaming with pride during the ceremony, I also had what I called my autism demons pay me a visit. These demons make me feel sad for what Gavin will not have! They take away from me living in the moment and enjoying what my other two boys do have. I am working hard to rid these demons from my life, and to learn how to live in the present moment for each one of my children's victories. I'm learning to take life one minute at a time, focus on the present road, and look for the humor in each situation. More importantly, I'm learning to find time for myself and live a healthy, happy life.
Lucky Number 13 (a.k.a. The Biggest Loser),
Paula
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Cloudy with a chance of Autism
I have been meaning to write for a while now, however, I just couldn't find the words. April was a difficult month for me on this autism journey. April is autism awareness month. Honestly, I am glad that April has gone. The past couple of years I have always been so excited for April to come. It was our month to embrace autism, celebrate autism, and work hard to spread awareness. I had different feelings this year. I'm not sure why. When I dig deep down I find my answer. The answer that I hate to say out loud. My son has autism, and some days are just so damn difficult. His autism is not going away like I wish it would. He is getting older, and his autistic stereotypical behaviors are not 'cute' anymore. His behaviors cause people to stare. I'm actually getting used to the stares now. I took Gavin to the grocery store recently. He was so overstimulated. He ran all over the store, flapping, jumping, laughing, throwing everything he loves into the carriage, and even running away from me. I kept my composure. He was so happy. I could see the stares. I could feel them. Then I thought to myself, keep staring people. It's only then will you really see my beloved Gavin. He is special and one of a kind. He has autism and will teach you a few things.
We had a very successful G-Man Foundation 5K race in April. There is a lot of planning that goes on to help make this event successful. Thank you to our race director, Kathy Marandola, for her hard work and dedication. I would also like to thank all the volunteers, the runners, the walkers, and the sponsors. Together we are working hard to make a difference.
I think after the race is when I hit my low. It was like this autism cloud stopped over me and stayed there for a while. I cursed it many days and asked it to leave, however, it just wouldn't listen. This autism cloud made me question myself. It clogged my vision, and stopped me from writing. It made me want to escape. I really don't think I could put into words how I felt this past month. I hid my tears and sadness. I put a smile on my face and faced each new day. Most days I wanted to cry my eyes out. Cry over a life I thought I was going to have. Cry for my days before autism. Cry for a do over. Cry, cry, cry! Then I would begin to feel guilty. Guilty that I even felt this way.
When May 1st came, I felt a sense of relief. I made it through a difficult month. This is my life now. A life of ups and downs. A life of success and defeat. A life with good months and bad months. I am beginning to learn to accept the bad with the good. The month of April brought many tears. Goodbye April. Hello May! I'm working hard to get out of my autism funk and push myself to move forward on this journey. I'm glad I find the strength to write and share my true feelings. I often find that after I finish a new blog entry many people will say to me, "Wow, I had no idea that was how you were feeling." Sometimes I will even receive an email from another autism parent who will write, "Thanks for putting into words exactly how I have felt."
Lastly, I would like to take a minute to wish all moms a very happy Mother's Day! I send an extra special wish to all the special moms out there. The special moms who have special children, or who have faced the unimaginable and have lost their child. Autism has taught me many things......Mother's Day is not about the gifts. It's not about the fancy restaurants. For me it's about celebrating my children. I took some time out of my day and laughed with them, gave them an extra hug and kiss. I also laced up my running shoes this morning and ran. I ran well over three miles in complete silence. I dedicated my silent run to all the moms out there who will never get to hear their child's voice again. Who will never get to hug or kiss their child again. My life completely changed when I became a mother. Motherhood taught me what unconditional love is. My life completely changed again when I became a mother of a child with autism. Autism taught me to not take life for granted because in a blink of an eye everything can change. I look at things differently now. I appreciate different things. I cry often, and I laugh. I will continue to move forward even when autism makes me take a few steps back. I will continue to try to be the best mom possible to all three of my boys. I will continue to find the positive in autism even when my vision is clouded with the negatives. Most of all, I vow to make a difference.
Looking forward to the autism sunshine,
Paula
We had a very successful G-Man Foundation 5K race in April. There is a lot of planning that goes on to help make this event successful. Thank you to our race director, Kathy Marandola, for her hard work and dedication. I would also like to thank all the volunteers, the runners, the walkers, and the sponsors. Together we are working hard to make a difference.
I think after the race is when I hit my low. It was like this autism cloud stopped over me and stayed there for a while. I cursed it many days and asked it to leave, however, it just wouldn't listen. This autism cloud made me question myself. It clogged my vision, and stopped me from writing. It made me want to escape. I really don't think I could put into words how I felt this past month. I hid my tears and sadness. I put a smile on my face and faced each new day. Most days I wanted to cry my eyes out. Cry over a life I thought I was going to have. Cry for my days before autism. Cry for a do over. Cry, cry, cry! Then I would begin to feel guilty. Guilty that I even felt this way.
When May 1st came, I felt a sense of relief. I made it through a difficult month. This is my life now. A life of ups and downs. A life of success and defeat. A life with good months and bad months. I am beginning to learn to accept the bad with the good. The month of April brought many tears. Goodbye April. Hello May! I'm working hard to get out of my autism funk and push myself to move forward on this journey. I'm glad I find the strength to write and share my true feelings. I often find that after I finish a new blog entry many people will say to me, "Wow, I had no idea that was how you were feeling." Sometimes I will even receive an email from another autism parent who will write, "Thanks for putting into words exactly how I have felt."
Lastly, I would like to take a minute to wish all moms a very happy Mother's Day! I send an extra special wish to all the special moms out there. The special moms who have special children, or who have faced the unimaginable and have lost their child. Autism has taught me many things......Mother's Day is not about the gifts. It's not about the fancy restaurants. For me it's about celebrating my children. I took some time out of my day and laughed with them, gave them an extra hug and kiss. I also laced up my running shoes this morning and ran. I ran well over three miles in complete silence. I dedicated my silent run to all the moms out there who will never get to hear their child's voice again. Who will never get to hug or kiss their child again. My life completely changed when I became a mother. Motherhood taught me what unconditional love is. My life completely changed again when I became a mother of a child with autism. Autism taught me to not take life for granted because in a blink of an eye everything can change. I look at things differently now. I appreciate different things. I cry often, and I laugh. I will continue to move forward even when autism makes me take a few steps back. I will continue to try to be the best mom possible to all three of my boys. I will continue to find the positive in autism even when my vision is clouded with the negatives. Most of all, I vow to make a difference.
Looking forward to the autism sunshine,
Paula
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Pictures of You, Pictures of Me
Dear Autism,
I'm not sure where to even begin, or even what to say to you this year. I guess some years will be like this. I guess I will begin by saying, "Happy Autism Awareness Day!" Today is your day. The day once a year when we place blue lights in our windows. We hang our autism wreath on our front door, and shine a blue floodlight on it. Today is the day that we shine a light on you.
Lately I find myself looking at Gavin's baby pictures. I find myself staring at his eyes. Looking for signs of you, Autism. Wondering and asking were you there then? Did I just not see you? When did you first appear? I often think of the song, Pictures of you. Pictures of you, pictures of me, hung upon your wall for the world to see. Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we used to be. I guess you could say we used to be a family without autism. And now? Well, I guess it depends on the day of the week, the moment in time. We have our good days, and our bad days. We have our days where because of you we have to divide and conquer. Days where we do things separately instead of as a family. Days that we are victorious, days that we are defeated. Days that we laugh and smile because of you. Days that we curse and despise you. Some days we would like to trade you in, most days we learn a lot from you.
Before I went to sleep last night I sat and watched you. I watched you breathing, I watched you dreaming. I wondered what you were thinking. I wondered how you were feeling. Autism, you looked so beautiful, so innocent. I hugged and kissed you, and made a promise to you. I promised to keep fighting for you, I promised to keep spreading awareness. I promised to support you and no matter what welcome you, even on my bad days. I promised to shed more tears of joy, then tears of sorrow. I promised to continue to love you unconditionally.
Today is your day, Autism. Today we will spend some time as a family and reflect on what we love about you! We will share our special memories we have of you. We will talk about our future with you. We will shine a light on you! Pictures of you, pictures of me hung upon your wall for the world to see. Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we could have been, what we could have been.................Happy Autism Awareness Day!
All my love,
Paula
I'm not sure where to even begin, or even what to say to you this year. I guess some years will be like this. I guess I will begin by saying, "Happy Autism Awareness Day!" Today is your day. The day once a year when we place blue lights in our windows. We hang our autism wreath on our front door, and shine a blue floodlight on it. Today is the day that we shine a light on you.
Lately I find myself looking at Gavin's baby pictures. I find myself staring at his eyes. Looking for signs of you, Autism. Wondering and asking were you there then? Did I just not see you? When did you first appear? I often think of the song, Pictures of you. Pictures of you, pictures of me, hung upon your wall for the world to see. Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we used to be. I guess you could say we used to be a family without autism. And now? Well, I guess it depends on the day of the week, the moment in time. We have our good days, and our bad days. We have our days where because of you we have to divide and conquer. Days where we do things separately instead of as a family. Days that we are victorious, days that we are defeated. Days that we laugh and smile because of you. Days that we curse and despise you. Some days we would like to trade you in, most days we learn a lot from you.
Before I went to sleep last night I sat and watched you. I watched you breathing, I watched you dreaming. I wondered what you were thinking. I wondered how you were feeling. Autism, you looked so beautiful, so innocent. I hugged and kissed you, and made a promise to you. I promised to keep fighting for you, I promised to keep spreading awareness. I promised to support you and no matter what welcome you, even on my bad days. I promised to shed more tears of joy, then tears of sorrow. I promised to continue to love you unconditionally.
Today is your day, Autism. Today we will spend some time as a family and reflect on what we love about you! We will share our special memories we have of you. We will talk about our future with you. We will shine a light on you! Pictures of you, pictures of me hung upon your wall for the world to see. Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us all of what we could have been, what we could have been.................Happy Autism Awareness Day!
All my love,
Paula
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Carry On
I can't believe it is already March, and that Gavin will be graduating from the Pre-K CSA (Classroom for Students with Autism) at the Pawtucketville Memorial Elementary School. It feels like just yesterday I applied for a transfer to teach at P'Ville so that I could be close to him and be involved in his educational experience and growth. Gavin will be moving on to a K-2 CSA Program. We are not sure which school he will be assigned to as of yet. To say that I don't have anxiety in regards to him moving on would be a lie. I am anxiety ridden. Anxiety about him being at a different school, anxiety in regards to his progress. Anxiety about his transition.
With March comes kindergarten registration. The time of year when 4 (soon to be 5) and 5 year old children tour schools with their parents. The time of year when parents register their babies for kindergarten. Lately, I have been really sad thinking that I will never get to experience some of the same traditional things with Gavin that I got to experience with his two older brothers. Last week I saw a family touring our school with their child in hand. And of course I thought, "how come?" How come Gavin? As I was thinking this, a third grader walked past me and said, "Hi Gavin's mom!" I smiled, said hello, and thought, "That is right, I am Gavin's mom". My heart then smiled as I thought of how far Gavin has come.
Running continues to help clear my mind, however, sometimes it also makes me think long and hard about life's lessons. During a run last week I was thinking about autism speaking to me. I then realized that autism speaks to me each and every day. This is what I sometimes hear............
Dear Paula,
I entered your life June 29, 2008, however, we weren't formally introduced until almost two years later. I saw how you looked at me that first year. I saw your raw emotions, your fear, your guilt, your sadness, your grief. I witnessed first hand your determination. Determination to get to know me better, determination to unlock you boy's mind and teach him how to speak. You won that battle. Matter of fact, there are many battles that you and I have had. Some you have won, some you have lost. I have noticed that over the last two years our relationship has changed. You have learned not to battle with me anymore. At times, I do still see your fear, your guilt, your sadness, your grief. However, I don't see those times as frequently as I used to. Instead, I see you carry on. Carry on with unconditional love, acceptance, devotion, and determination. At times, you despised me. That look has also faded. You see, Paula, what you don't realize yet is that you have won the lottery. The lottery you have won doesn't consist of money. It consists of priceless life lessons that you will continue to learn from me. You won the lottery that day in June when Gavin came into your world. Your chances of winning were 1 in 88, and your boy was that 1. When your feelings of sadness creep up on you, then take a step back and remember to celebrate. Celebrate your win. You and I will continue to have long talks as to how to keep unlocking your Gavin's mind. Continue to look at me with your heart, for your love sees more clearly. Lastly, continue to carry on.
Your friend,
Autism
I have come to realize that, yes, I may not get to experience the same things with Gavin as I did with his two older brothers. Instead I get different experiences, and in my heart different doesn't mean less. I am learning to take a step back and celebrate my winnings. Some days are easier then others, but for now I will carry on.
Carrying on,
Paula
With March comes kindergarten registration. The time of year when 4 (soon to be 5) and 5 year old children tour schools with their parents. The time of year when parents register their babies for kindergarten. Lately, I have been really sad thinking that I will never get to experience some of the same traditional things with Gavin that I got to experience with his two older brothers. Last week I saw a family touring our school with their child in hand. And of course I thought, "how come?" How come Gavin? As I was thinking this, a third grader walked past me and said, "Hi Gavin's mom!" I smiled, said hello, and thought, "That is right, I am Gavin's mom". My heart then smiled as I thought of how far Gavin has come.
Running continues to help clear my mind, however, sometimes it also makes me think long and hard about life's lessons. During a run last week I was thinking about autism speaking to me. I then realized that autism speaks to me each and every day. This is what I sometimes hear............
Dear Paula,
I entered your life June 29, 2008, however, we weren't formally introduced until almost two years later. I saw how you looked at me that first year. I saw your raw emotions, your fear, your guilt, your sadness, your grief. I witnessed first hand your determination. Determination to get to know me better, determination to unlock you boy's mind and teach him how to speak. You won that battle. Matter of fact, there are many battles that you and I have had. Some you have won, some you have lost. I have noticed that over the last two years our relationship has changed. You have learned not to battle with me anymore. At times, I do still see your fear, your guilt, your sadness, your grief. However, I don't see those times as frequently as I used to. Instead, I see you carry on. Carry on with unconditional love, acceptance, devotion, and determination. At times, you despised me. That look has also faded. You see, Paula, what you don't realize yet is that you have won the lottery. The lottery you have won doesn't consist of money. It consists of priceless life lessons that you will continue to learn from me. You won the lottery that day in June when Gavin came into your world. Your chances of winning were 1 in 88, and your boy was that 1. When your feelings of sadness creep up on you, then take a step back and remember to celebrate. Celebrate your win. You and I will continue to have long talks as to how to keep unlocking your Gavin's mind. Continue to look at me with your heart, for your love sees more clearly. Lastly, continue to carry on.
Your friend,
Autism
I have come to realize that, yes, I may not get to experience the same things with Gavin as I did with his two older brothers. Instead I get different experiences, and in my heart different doesn't mean less. I am learning to take a step back and celebrate my winnings. Some days are easier then others, but for now I will carry on.
Carrying on,
Paula
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