To Tell or Not to Tell

    This blog entry is dedicated to Michele.  Michele's son just celebrated his second birthday and has been diagnosed with PDD.  Thank you, Donna, for introducing us.  Michele, thanks for the inspiration. 

      As I prepare for a new school year, I find myself reflecting upon the past two years since receiving the big AD (autism diagnosis).  I often find myself thinking about the early days post diagnosis.  The time in my life that I consider "The days of darkness".   It would have been so easy during those days to continuously slip down a self pity slide.  A slide that just brought you deeper and deeper into a  pit.  It would have been easy to float around on a cloud of denial.  A cloud that was fluffy, white, and never produced rain.  It would have been so easy to live in a house of grief.  Where you could choose to spend most days crying.  When I close my eyes and remember those days, I see the self pity slide.  I see the cloud of denial.  I see the house of grief.  There were weeks that I floated around on that cloud of denial.  Why?  Maybe if I stayed on the cloud then the AD would go away.  Maybe my life would be perfect being a cloud floater.  The house of grief was exhausting, so most days I tried to get myself out of there.  The ride down the slide was ok some days.  Some days it gave me a numb feeling, some days it gave me an empty feeling.  It just helped me to forget about the house and the cloud for a while.  There was also a time when I took shelter in the cave of guilt.  The cave was dark and dreary.  It was not a fun place.  Some days, I found myself hiding in the cave, using it for shelter. All of these things were part of my life during those early post diagnosis days.

     The question that always came to mind during those days was, "To tell or not to tell?".  This is a question I struggled to answer each and every day.  Should I tell people about Gavin's autism?  Should I not?  It's now that I can say that each mother handle's their child's AD differently.  There were days that I wanted everyone to know. There were days that I wanted no one to know.  There were days where I left the house of grief, slid down the self pity slide, floated on the cloud of denial, then took shelter in the cave of guilt, all while juggling the question in my head, "To tell or not to tell?"

     To the mothers who just heard, "You're child has autism.", it's your choice to tell or not to tell.  Eventually, I stopped juggling the question and answered it.  I chose to tell anyone I encountered.  I chose to tell family, friends, and colleagues.  I even chose to tell strangers.  Telling people also came with a price.  That price included comments.  Comments that made me feel great about it.   Comments that helped me embrace the diagnosis.  Comments that hurt, and comments that made me feel like I was being judged.

     Now a days I continue to answer the question, "To tell or not to tell?"  I think this question will always travel along this journey with me.  Some days I choose to tell people, some days I choose not to tell.  This weekend we went to Walmart.  Taking Gavin to a store has been disastrous lately.  I usually come home exhausted and find ways to not bring him or just don't go.  Well, I made him a social story that he could visually look at and listen to on his iPad.  It basically told him where we were going, my expectations of him, what we were going to buy, and what his reward would be.  As I was checking out, he was helping me place all the items near the cash register.  I looked at him and tears began rolling down my cheeks.  The cashier asked me if I was ok.  Should I tell?  Should I not tell?  I chose not to tell.  My boy was successful in that moment.  I told her I was great and left it at that.

     This is a question that I will have to continue to answer along my autistic journey.   How I choose to answer the question is my choice.  One question that I will not have to answer is, "Will you spread awareness?"  It is now my mission to spread awareness.  Awareness that autism can enter any family.  Awareness of what it may be like coping, living, and functioning as a family with autism.

     As I prepare to enter a new school year, I see a roller coaster.  A roller coaster that I am getting on.  A roller coaster that consists of high points and low points. The ride is scary some days.  The ride is fun some days.  Most days it is unknown when the next hill or drop will come  It will have its ups and downs. It will consist of flips and turns.  In the distance I see the self pity slide, the house of grief, the cloud of denial, and the cave of guilt.  I wave to them in the distance.  They call my name.  I yell from the distance, "Hello, old friends.  I am taking a ride.  It was good to see you!"  I turn and step onto the roller coaster, look back for a second, wave goodbye, and smile.

Riding the coster,
Paula




   

Going for the Gold

     It's hard to believe that summer vacation is almost over.  Back to school in two weeks.  Yikes!  Gavin finished summer school and is now officially working on his tan.  He enjoys spending most of his days swimming in the pool.  I have made sure that I wrote on the calendar the exact date when school begins.  We have our official count down to school calendar.  Each morning, I show him the calendar, remind him of the date, then show him when he starts school.  Each response is consistent, "No school!"  Gavin had a big milestone last week.  He learned to swim!  I noticed he was becoming more and more dependent on his orange swim bubble.  He used it so much that it began to rip.  We got a swim vest from my sister, Lisa.  However, Gavin's brain just could not grasp putting something different on while swimming.  He HAD to have the same orange swim bubble.  Last week I decided that I was not going to buy a new bubble.  So, I went in the pool with him and off came the bubble.  I spent many summers working as a lifeguard.  Life guarding skills came in handy when it came time to teach my two older boys how to swim.  I was curious if it would be the same for an autistic mind.  Gavin picked up the swimming underwater quickly.   I showed him how to kick his feet, keep his body afloat, and use his hands to dig.  His swimming skills became stronger each day.  As of today, he is swimming above water and underwater!  It is amazing to watch him swim.  Two years ago I was wondering if he would ever talk.  Last year, I was wondering if he would ever be potty trained.  This summer, I was doubting that he would ever learn how to swim.

     Gavin has started to play with toy cars.  Another milestone!  Gavin never plays with toys.  This was one of his many early autism indicators.  He worked with his therapists during his ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) during early intervention.  He also continues to work on play skills in school.  I have spent countless hours on the floor attempting to teach him how to play with toys.  So, when I turned and saw him pushing a toy car and making car noises, it took my breath away.  I wanted to freeze that moment in time.  I decided that I would take Gavin to the mall to pick out a new toy car using some of his birthday money.  A couple of weeks ago, I piled the kids into the van and drove to the mall with a smile on my face.  I was excited about our mall adventure.  We usually enter the mall through JC Penney, and I have never given this a second thought until that day.  We parked and entered through Target.  While Gavin was walking toward the entrance of Target, he continuously yelled, "NO, NO, NO! JC Penney, JC Penney!"  I attempted to reassure him.  I explained that we were going to Target not JC Penney.  I felt like I had to drag him through the entrance.  Once in Target, Gavin threw himself onto the floor in front of the door.  He was screaming, crying, "JC Penney, JC Penney!"  People were stopping and staring.  I had to think fast.  How was I going to get him out of this.  I kept thinking keep calm and carry on.  It was too late, Gavin was far too gone into his autistic world.  I asked William to quickly get a carriage.  I quickly picked Gavin up, put him in the carriage, and ran towards the elevator doors with his older siblings following behind me.  I thought I could distract him by having him press the elevator button.  If only I could unlock his autistic mind, bring him out into our world.  A world where entering the mall through a different store is no big deal.  Gavin then began biting the carriage.  He took his shoes off and threw them at me.  He continued to scream and cry.  I turned to his siblings and told them to hurry up and follow me.  We made our way back to the car.  I buckled him into his booster seat.  I told him it was going to be ok.  We sat in silence for 15 minutes listening to Gavin's sobs.  I looked into his siblings faces, I could see the sadness in their eyes.  I could see their frustration.  I told them we were going to attempt it again.  We were not going home.  William asked if we could just enter through JC Penney.  I told him no.  We were going to help Gavin work through his autistic mind.  So, after 20 minutes we entered Target.  Gavin in his stroller, crying.  He refused to keep his shoes on.  We strolled him to the toy aisle.  A woman was staring at him.  She gave us the evil eye.  I knew what she was thinking.  She was thinking what a brat my Gavin was.  I kept saying, "Look at this toy, Gav!  Do you want this?"  He would reply, "Hold, hold, please!"  I would hand him the toy, and he would then throw it at me.  We left the mall toy less.

     William and Landon had the opportunity to go away last weekend with my sisters.  It was a nice break for them, and it gave me the chance to completely focus on Gavin.  Phil and I decided to attempt to bring him to the mall to pick out that new toy.  We put our plan into action.  Our plan was to enter through the food court.  Bring his visual expectations and reward him with a treat from Burger King.  Our planning and talks about consistency and being on the same page paid off.  It was a successful mall trip.  He did have a melt down because he had to get off the coin operated train.  He threw himself onto the ground and screamed.  I smiled at the staring people and carried on.

Gavin's new toy

     Gavin received a gift this week.  My sister, Ann, won an iPad.  She wanted Gavin to have the iPad. I asked her to keep it for herself.  She insisted that she wanted him to have it.  Gavin has been using his iPad for three days now, and it is already opening up a whole new world.  Last night, William said, "Hey mom, Gavin has been saying a lot of words today."  My response, "Maybe the iPad is helping and encouraging him to use his words."  We downloaded a Sounding Board app.  I am able to create individualized boards for him to use.  For example, I created a board that he can use when he is frustrated.  He can tap this board, it has a picture of an angry face, and will say, "I am mad!  Gavin is mad!"  I am working on creating another board that will tell him and show him what he can do when he is mad.  Thank you, Ann, for this amazing gift!

Gavin and his new iPad

     Gavin had his six month dentist check up this week.  I created a social story about the dentist.  He did tolerate the brushing of his teeth.  However, that was all he would allow the hygienist and dentist to do.  We had to hold him down in order for the dentist to examine his teeth.  He screamed and cried the entire time.  My eyes filled with tears.  I know he is not being a brat.  His autistic mind just can't understand.  The dentist and hygienist are so patient with him and understanding of his limitations.  No cavities!  So, we will attempt a visit again in 6 months.  I did google a 'going to the dentist' video and was able to find one on you tube.  He has watched it several times.

Dentist Social Story

      The G Man Foundation ordered 5 iPads to be donated.  4 will be donated to the Pre-K PDD program that Gavin attends.  The fifth will be donated to an autistic child.  I am in the beginning stages of creating an autism resource library for parents and educators.  My plan is to order books, DVDs, and other resources that parents and educators can borrow.  The foundation is also selling our original 'G Man Group' shirts.  The shirts are $15.00 each.  Adult sizes are XXL, XL, L, M, and S.  Youth sizes are also available.  If you would like to support the foundation and order a shirt you can email me at wlgpete@comcast.net.
     Our good friends, the Tappers, gave us tickets to Six Flags.  The tickets are for today.  We found out last night about the tickets.  Phil asked what I wanted to do.  I spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to make a decision.  We decided this morning that Phil would go with William and Landon.  I would stay home with Gavin.  The tears roll down my cheeks as I sit and type this.  I struggled all night as to whether we should go as a family or not.  I thought maybe he could handle it if I create a social story.  I thought maybe he just might be successful.  I thought what if he is on overload, and can't handle it. I thought about him having to wait in line for a ride.  Waiting in line is such a big struggle for him.  My heart was saying yes, my head was saying no.  I continue to dislike not being able to do some things as a family.  I dislike not being able to be spontaneous.  I dislike having to over think autism.  I dislike all the work somedays.  Maybe someday we will get to go as a family.  Today, William and Landon will enjoy Six Flags and not have to worry about their brother's autism.
     While Gavin has been using more language this week, he also continues to script and is echolalic (repeats things you say to him).  I noticed that he is more echolalic this week then in the past.  I remind myself that one behavior has to be replaced with another.   Gavin's melt downs have also taken a turn within the past week.  He is biting more and more, throwing things, and is overall non compliant.  Gavin also has to be closely monitored.  He continues to attempt to leave the house.  He also figured out how to open windows and lift the screens.  We need to make sure we know where he is at all times due to safety concerns.  Gavin also continues to like to go for drives in the car and listen to the iPod on repeat play.  Last week's song of choice was Layla by Derek & The Dominos.  Today it is Gloria by Van Morrison.
     I recently noticed that my blog has had over 3,900 views!  I am in awe.  Today I will celebrate helping to spread awareness.  Thank you for coming along with me on this autistic journey.  I will end with something my oldest son said this week, "Hey mom, maybe Gavin will be an autistic Olympic swimmer someday."  Maybe he will, William.  But for now we will work on earning that Olympic gold in autism.

Going for the gold,
Paula

Break on through......

    We attended the Lowell Spinners baseball game last night.  I remember when I ordered the tickets, Phil had asked me if we would bring Gavin or get a sitter for him.  My gut told me to bring him.  Even though I knew it would be a ton of prep work, and he may not be successful at the game.  So, like all our family events, the Spinners game has been written on the calendar since May.  When we turned the calendar to July, there it was in big red letters. July 25th - Spinners baseball game.  As the day got closer, I would tell Gavin that he was going to a baseball game.  His response was always the same, "No baseball game!"  My response back was always consistent, "Yes, baseball game!"  I created a "Gavin is going to a baseball game!" social story a few days prior to the game.  When Gavin woke yesterday morning, I had the social story waiting right next to his breakfast on the kitchen table.  Gavin LOVES social stories.  He smiled immediately upon seeing the story.  He read it over and over again.  We took it along for the ride on the way to summer school so that he could read it.  The story consisted of pictures and words of what he would do and what he should expect to see and hear at the game.  It also told him what he may eat, drink, and when he would go home.  After school, I noticed a shift in Gavin's behavior.  He screamed the entire way home from summer school.  He took off his seat belt and ran around the back of the van.  I had to pull over to strap him back in. I was searching for the right words to say to him the entire way home.  Every time I reminded him to keep his seat belt on, he would scream right back at me exactly what I had said to him. Gavin had one melt down after another yesterday afternoon.  Once he took all his clothes off, I knew he reached the point of no return.  I attempted to redirect him, I attempted to console him, I attempted to set limits.  I attempted to present him with visuals.  Nothing seemed to work. I would make him put his underwear on, however, two minutes later he would be screaming and taking them off.  I knew all I could at that point was give him love and attempt to understand his world.  At one point, William could see the exhaustion on my face.  He told me that he would take over for a little while.  He told me to take a rest. He sent me to my room, told me to lay down.  He closed the bedroom door and attempted to distract Gavin.  I closed my eyes and fought back the tears.  I followed his strict orders.  As I lay there, I found myself remembering back to when Gavin was an infant.  I couldn't wait to take all three boys to sporting events.  I couldn't wait to take all three boys to amusement parks.  I couldn't wait for the future.  Then I brought myself to the present.  I thought about how intense Gavin's melt downs have been getting.  I sat and thought about how Gavin's attention span seems to last about three minutes lately.  I thought about how things like going to a baseball game are so much work!  I had myself a good old 10 minute pity party.  It would have been so easy to give into the tears.  To curl into a ball, cry and not get up until Phil got home from work.  Instead, I told myself to stand, move, and face the present.  The present that is a gift.  I went to find the boys engrossed in a video game.  Gavin was butt naked, but he was quietly watching his brothers.
     Phil and I decided to take two separate cars to the baseball game.  For fear that Gavin had to leave, one of us could stay with William and Landon.  I envisioned that once we got to the entrance that Gavin would refuse to go into the park. I envisioned melt downs, I envisioned complete failure.  I brought the social story with us.  We parked quite a bit away from the park.  We figured the walk would be good.  As we walked toward the park, I told Gavin everything he would see.  I reminded him about how loud it would be.  Gavin walked right into the park, climbed up the never ending stairs, and walked patiently while we found our seats.  After we sat I handed him his social story and had him read it.  He smiled, read it, and we bought him some popcorn.  He stood during the game with a big smile on his face.  He clapped, stamped and cheered along with the crowd.  He ate his popcorn, had cotton candy.  It felt so good to feel and look like an average all American family attending a baseball game.  At the bottom of the fifth inning, I asked Gavin if he was all done.  He replied, "Yes, all done.  Daddy's car."  So, Phil took him home while I stayed and enjoyed the rest of the game.  Before falling asleep last night, Phil commented how it was such a successful night.  What a great time it was.  I thought about all the prep work.  I thought about Gavin's melt downs that afternoon, him continuously taking off all his clothes.  I then closed my eyes and smiled.  All the prep work was worth it.  All the melt downs were worth it.  We attended a baseball game as a family with autism and we won!!  We were successful!
     The G-Man Foundation hosted an animal show at summer school.  I figured if Gavin and his friends had to go to school during the summer, then they deserved something special.  Animal Adventures came to school today.  They brought a bearded dragon, skunk, rabbit, chinchilla, snake, tortoise, alligator, and a ferret.  It was a show and tell for all the special education summer school students.  The students got to touch each animal.  Gavin's teacher, Lynne, prepared Gavin all week for the animals coming to school.  This morning when he woke he was a complete bear.  He had a melt down before we left for school.  I figured it was due to all the changes in his schedule lately.  Gavin loves music.  It is very therapeutic for him.  So, on the way to school I plugged in my iPod, turned a song on, asked him if he wanted to listen to this song.  I continuously heard, "no, no, no!" And then he heard it.  Break on through by the Doors.  "yes, yes, yes!"  So, repeat play went on.  We sang Break on Through the entire way to summer school.
     Overall, the Animal Adventure show was a big success.  Gavin sat with his class, and touched each animal.  As I sat with my summer school students,  I looked around the room.  My eyes filled with tears looking at some of the students' faces.  Witnessing their happy expressions.  Seeing them nervously touch the animals. Seeing the excitement in their eyes.   I then knew that I was right where I was suppose to be.  I knew exactly why I was given autism.  I knew it was my destiny to start this foundation.  On my bad autism days I will remember this moment.  I will never forget it.  This moment helped me break on through.  Break on through to the other side.  The side of no melt downs, the side of happiness, the side of excitement.
     Break on through to the other side.......break on through to the other side..........

Breaking on through,
Paula




  

 

Friends till the end.......

     I can't believe July is almost done.  Summer is going by way too quickly.  Summer is all about vacation from school!  However, in an autistic world, vacation from school can mean disaster.  Disaster because they are out of their routine.  Gavin has had more meltdowns lately.  He finished school, had a couple of weeks off, then started summer school, had summer school for a few days, hand an extra long weekend to celebrate the fourth of July, then went back to summer school.  I feel like we are finally in the summer school groove, and guess what?  Summer school ends next week.  Ugh!  Preparing for more meltdowns. Gavin is extremely routine.  A lot of work goes into preparing him for change.  We have a large calendar hanging on the refrigerator.  The calendar is marked with any change.  We have written down the days he attends summer school, the days he stays home, as well as parties, functions, or places we may be going.  Gavin can read.  So, we usually tell him to check the calendar.  He likes to check the calendar, however, hates when there is a change. He will repeatedly say, "No, no, no!"  It took him until this week to accept the change of summer school.  Every morning he would say, "No summer school.  PJ's, PJ's, PJ's!"  I had to ask his brothers to either stay in bed until he leaves or hide upstairs to avoid morning meltdowns.  Gavin would see his brothers being able to stay home and stay in their pajamas.  So, why can't he?  His mind can't figure this out.      
     Lately, Gavin has been obsessed with blinds, shades, doors (especially sliding doors).  I am guessing it is the repetitive nature of these items.  Up, down, up down. Open, close, open, close.  I have to hide the cords on the roman shades.  He has ripped and broken several bedroom shades.  He will often pull the shade all the way down so that you have to take the entire shade down and roll it up again and again.  So, I am left guessing.  Is he looking for some sensory input? Or does he just like the repetitive movement of these objects?  Gavin has also been obsessed with doorbells.  He LOVES to ring doorbells.  He will open our front door, step out onto the steps, ring the doorbell, wait for our dog to bark, laugh, flap, jump up and down, step back inside, say, "OK, thank you, goodbye."  Then begin the entire cycle over again.  He knows how to unlock all the locks.  It can be funny the first two times, however, after the tenth time you have just about had it and are searching for ways to break the doorbell cycle.  Gavin has also been obsessed with locking all the bathroom doors.  He will open the door, lock it, and then shut it.  He doesn't lock himself in the bathroom.  Just locks the door.  Again, not funny when you have to use the bathroom only to find yourself locked out of it and left searching for a key to open it.  Gavin also continues to script.  He scripts and scripts and scripts.  He will script anything from a line he heard watching television, to a conversation he overheard.  He will often go to the bottom of the stairs and yell, "Paula, Paula, Paula!"  I will respond, "what?" after each time I hear my name.  However, he will not respond.  He will just say my name three times and then move on to something else.  I realized that he is scripting Phil.  Phil will usually have to call me three times before I respond.  He thinks I am ignoring him.  I keep telling him that I don't hear him (ha).
     Last week, William had football camp and Landon had basketball.  Phil and I had to divide and conquer. Well, at least hope to conquer.  Phil took William to football, while I took Landon to basketball with Gavin.  Well, it was a complete disaster.  Gavin could not sit and watch the game.  He was all over the place.  Running away from me, attempting to run onto the basketball court.  Stimming on the chain link fence, stimming from the ref's whistle, stimming from the basketball bouncing.  He would run over to people and grab their things or attempt to sit in their chair.  I was exhausted, and so torn.  My heart was torn.  Here, Gavin needed my help to self-regulate, but Landon needed his mom to watch him perform on the court.  It's a task I don't wish upon anyone.
     I was determined to praise Landon on the drive home.  I told him what a great job he did.  I attempted to remember anything he did during the game so that I could comment about it.  All the while praying that I was getting it right.  I honestly feel like I didn't see him play.  Just another struggle on this autistic journey.  While driving home from basketball Landon said he wished there was an autism shot.  I asked him what he meant.  He responded that he wished there was a shot so that kids won't get autism.  My tears started rolling.  He then said that it is getting harder with Gavin as he gets older (this kid was reading my mind).  The tears continued to roll.  Then, Landon said he hopes Gavin dies when he does.  I asked him why.  Why would he say that?  He responded that there will be no one left to take care of Gavin.  Then he told me that he will hire staff to take care of him.  I cried the entire way home!  I had to breathe through my tears.  Why should my 8 year old son have to worry about this?  Just another autism struggle.  The next day Landon said to me, "It is your fault about the autism!"  I asked him what he meant.  He said that I made him in my belly.  So, I made the autism.  This is when my faith kicked in.  I told him that God sent the autism to us as a gift. Landon then went on to say that no woman will love him.  I said, "What?"  He said you know, like a woman loves a man. No woman will love a man with autism.  I couldn't respond.  I just looked away and told myself not to cry.
     I have thought of this saying lately, "Make new friends, keep the old.  One is silver, the other is gold."  I find that I am losing some friends along this journey.  It is sometimes difficult to find time to respond to emails, texts, or phone calls.  Most of my free time is spent juggling life.  However, juggling a life that includes autism.  I envy the moms that can attend spontaneous play dates, that can attend basketball games, that can spontaneously go to the beach, that can attend parties or functions.  Doing these things do not come easy in an autistic world.  There is so much preparation and work that go into something as simple as a play date, a trip to the beach, a party.  Even if I do attend things, a great deal of my energy is spent making sure Gavin is successful.  So, to my friends that have not heard from me in a while I should say that I am sorry.  Sorry for not replying to your emails.  Sorry for not responding to your texts.  Sorry for not responding to your phone calls.  Sorry, that I am focused on raising an autistic son.  As I am losing friends, I am also gaining friends.  Friends who don't need a response.  Friends who attempt to understand.  Friends who encourage me, cry with me, and support me.  "Make new friends, keep the old.  One is silver, the other is gold."

In Friendship,
Paula
   

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAVIN!

     I couldn't wait to say "happy birthday, Gavin!" as soon as he was awake on June 29th.  I was thinking that morning while I waited for him to wake up how when William and Landon wake up on their birthdays they are a ball of excited birthday energy.  They will burst into the bedroom, jump into bed with us, and announce how it's their birthday and how excited they are.  I was wondering and anticipating Gavin's birthday.  I wrote it down on the calendar.  Every day we would walk by and look at it written down.  His response was consistent each morning, "no birthday, Gavin's birthday all done."  So, when Gavin woke that morning, I was hoping for that excited birthday energy.  However, it didn't come.  His response was consistent as it was each morning, "no birthday, Gavin's birthday all done!"  This broke my heart.  My eyes teared up on the drive into summer school that morning.  I had to talk myself out of crying.  I knew that if I allowed the flood gates to open, then they would not close for awhile.  Once we arrived at summer school most of the staff wished him a happy birthday.  I am sure I don't have to tell you what his response was.  My autistic world consists of my little guy hating change, hating birthdays, hating holidays.  However, now that I reflect upon it, I guess that it's not that he hates these things.  He just doesn't understand them.  Having a birthday doesn't make sense to him.  Singing happy birthday, blowing out a candle, opening presents.  Why do we do these things in an autistic world.  Again, I am reminded how celebrating a birthday comes so easy for typical children.  Not for an autistic child. We have to practice and teach and help them to understand through their eyes.  

     I am blessed that Lynne (Gavin's teacher), practiced singing happy birthday during summer school.  Gavin's immediate response was screaming and crying.  Lynne was able to work her magic and get him to listen and sing a long with his friends while they sang happy birthday to him. She even practiced and got him to understand how to blow out a candle (of course it was an imaginary candle).  Thank you, Lynne, for again seeing things through Gavin's eyes and helping me understand as well as him.

     After summer school, we went out for a family lunch to celebrate.  Lunch was a disaster.  Gavin spent the majority of the time having to be redirected.  He was screaming, jumping, and flapping.  I brought him to the car at one point to see if I could get him to regulate himself.  However, nothing seemed to be working.  At one point he crawled under the table and attempted to take his clothes off.  That's when I realized that he was probably just on sensory overload.  We managed to get him to come out and keep his clothes on.  I was able to give him deep pressure to his arms and legs.  This seemed to do the trick for the time being.  After a long and less then calming lunch we decided to take a ride to a delicious bakery so that the boys could decorate their own cupcakes.  The entire car ride, Gavin either screamed, threw things, or unbuckled his seat belt.  At one point, William said, "Why do we have to have someone with autism in our family!"  I could hear the anger in his voice.  Again, had to stop the tears.  I had to think fast on my feet.  I needed a good response.  I wanted to respond with, "I feel the same way! WHY!"  Instead, I took a deep breath and responded with, "Because Gavin is our gift.   Yes, it is very frustrating some days.  We have to remember that we were chosen to be Gavin's family.  We need to make a difference for him and this world."  

     So, we arrived at the delicious bakery only to find out that you need to give a 2 day notice if you want to decorate your own cupcakes.  Instead we waited in line and ordered our cupcakes.  While waiting in line Gavin continuously ran behind the counter into the kitchen area.  I had to continuously redirect him back to the line where we were waiting.  We finally completed our cupcake order, paid, and sat down to enjoy our yummy treats, then the fire alarm went off.  I immediately looked at Gavin and thought, oh crap this could go either way. He is either going to freak out and have a meltdown, or he is going to tolerate the noise.  Well, Gavin just sat there and looked at the fire alarm that was buzzing loudly.  He had a calm look on his face.  I looked into his eyes and could almost see what he was thinking.  He was thinking, "Oh, come on fire alarm.  I am here to enjoy my yummy cupcake.  Please stop!"  We had to evacuate the bakery.  We brought our cupcakes with us, and finished eating them outside.  On the way home from the bakery all I could do was laugh. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.  Phil asked me what was so funny.  I told him the entire day was funny.  It was just a typical day in our autistic world.  It was my sign from above.  God was letting me know to always expect the unexpected.  You can plan and want things to be perfect, however, life isn't about that.  It is about finding the joy in life.  My joy was hearing that fire alarm, and being able to listen to my son's response to it by looking through his eyes.  A baby step closer to finding that key.

     I was thinking a lot lately how Gavin would probably never be invited to a friend's birthday party.  I began wondering if any parents living in an autistic world thought or felt the same way.  I decided to turn my birthday grief into something positive.  Phil and I booked a birthday party at a gymnastics place.  We invited both PDD classrooms in his school, as well as our friend, Brock, who is also on the spectrum.  What a great day.  I am crying tears of joy as I type.  I made a visual schedule for the party, as well as topic boards.  The kids were able to use the bouncy house and obstacle course.  We had gluten free cupcakes, popsicles, and goody bags.  I saw so many laughs, giggles, and happy kids.  All the children sat at a table and were able to sing happy birthday to Gavin.  He didn't scream or cry.  He sang and was so happy.  Phil and I sat this afternoon and reflected upon the day. We shared how happy we were.  We talked about how great it was to see all the kids so happy.  What a happy autistic world it was today.

     I noticed that after the party Gavin was so relaxed.  There was very little screaming this afternoon and evening.  He was so happy.  He walked around the house holding a balloon singing happy birthday over and over again.  

     After Gavin fell asleep this evening, I sat and stared at him for a while.  I closed my eyes and thought of how far we have come.  How I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would be told "Your son is autistic." How never in a million years would I have dreamed that I would be hosting an autistic birthday party.   How everyone has a story to tell.  Everyone has a battle to fight.  My battle is my son's autism.  I will fight this battle until the day I die.  I will teach his brothers how to fight the autism battle.  Somedays I will come out on top, some days I will be defeated, and some days I will raise my white flag.  Autism, today I fought you and won!  What a glorious day it was. 

In victory,

Paula 

My Dreams

I recently stumbled upon this poem.  

Welcome to Holland!  by Emily Pearl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.

It's like this....When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans.  The Coliseum, the Michalangelo David, the gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.  After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."  "Holland?"  you say.  "What do you mean Holland?  I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."  But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.  So you go out and buy new guidebooks.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.  It's just a different place.  It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.  But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go.  That's what I had planned."  The pain of that will never go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.  But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.

June is a difficult month for me.  It marks our Autism Anniversary.  The time that the stewardess came and said, "Welcome to Holland."  We also celebrate Gavin's birthday on June 29th.  I have been thinking as his birthday approaches of all the things he would be doing as a 'typical four year old'.  I believe in signs.  I stumbled upon this poem two days ago.  Today, as I was driving, I noticed the licsence plate on the car in front of me.  It said "Hollnd".  

I do understand this poem, however, I do not agree with it entirely.  Yes, my dreams for my third son were lost.  However, I can say now after my period of grief, that my dreams for my third son, Gavin, changed.  We were suppose to arrive in Italy.  Instead we arrived in Disneyland. A land where dreams can come true. My dreams for Gavin are not the same as when the doctor placed him on my round belly on June 29, 2008. My dreams for Gavin is that I can provide him with the best possible life that includes love, acceptance, and understanding.  My dreams include finding his key. They key that unlocks his mind.  

Thanks for taking the time to check in.  I am looking forward to celebrating Gavin's birthday.  Be watching for a blog update this weekend.

Fondly,

Paula

Good Morning Autism

Good Morning Autism,
     Today makes two years since you knocked on our door.  I knew of you, but didn't know you personally.  Never in a million years would I have thought that my family would get to know you closely.  You knew that we would have a close, personal relationship before I did.  When you entered my life, I stood at a distance and wished you away!  You attempted to embrace me.  I cried, and cursed you. I stood fearful and longing for you to leave all while you screamed for my attention.  I did not believe in you, I did not like you, I wish you never existed.  I cried myself to sleep each night, asking why, asking how, asking what do I do?!  You continued to attempt to embrace me.
     Each morning was a new attempt to like you.   Each morning brought a single step.  Each single step was a step taken on an autistic road, traveling an autistic journey.  Some mornings I did not want to take a step on this autistic road.  I wanted to step backwards instead of forward.  Some mornings I argued with you in my dreams.  In my dreams, I told you that I was the boss and not you!  In my dreams, we defeated you.  Most mornings I took a step further.  Some steps were baby steps, and some were giant steps.
     Autism, today is our two year anniversary.  Two years that I have traveled your road.  Two whole years since you knocked on our door, and attempted to embrace me.  Two years since you attempted to hold my hand and encourage me to take my first step.  Autism, this is what I first saw on your road when I took those first few baby steps.  I saw uncertainty.  Uncertainty as to what the future holds.  I saw questions and doubts.  I saw hesitation and tears.  I saw exhaustion and jealously.  I saw anger and denial.  I saw darkness.        
     Autism, thank you.  Thank you for being persistent with your embraces.  Thank you for your encouragement to take those first steps.  Each morning was another step on your road.  Each morning's step brought a new sunrise.  Each sunrise brought color.  Color that opened my eyes to your beautiful and mysterious world.  Your color of darkness began to change.  I have traveled on your road for two years.  The road continues to seem long and uncertain. It does contain potholes, bumps, and long hills to climb.  However, it is now a road of acceptance. It is bright and beautiful.  I now take more giant steps each morning rather than baby steps.  My family has met some loving, patient, kind, helpful people along your road.  Your road is filled with hope. There is determination.  There will always be questions along your road, some may never have an answer while others will.  
     Thank you, Autism.  Thank you for helping my two oldest sons, William and Landon, become better individuals.  Thank you for teaching my family patience, kindness, and unconditional love.  Thank you for letting us know that it is ok to be different.  Autism, thank you for helping me to spread awareness and understanding.  Thank you, Autism!  Thank you for giving me Gavin. Our beautiful, Gavin. Our Gavin, who woke this morning at 2 am singing Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed.  Our Gavin, who loves us unconditionally.  Our Gavin, who learns differently.  Our Gavin, who's smile lights up a room.  Some day we will find his key, until then we will love him, protect him, and give him the happiness that he brings to us.
     Good morning Autism, and happy anniversary.

Sincerely,
Paula
Mother on an autistic road